Unforgiving Living is No Life At All -Stuart Segall

Living with unforgiveness can have a profound impact on both our emotional well-being and physical health. When we hold grudges or harbor resentment, it can lead to negative consequences.

Forgiveness is an active process where and when we consciously decide to let go of negative feelings, whether the other person deserves it or not. It involves empathy, compassion, and releasing anger and hurt.

When it comes to forgiveness, I ask myself the question in the mirror.  “Who are you? Who is your true self”?   Consistently behavioral health studies show that when you hold onto unforgiveness, it can debilitate you and prevent you from showing up in the world as your true self.

As a counselor and former pastor, I have heard and have had it shouted to me “But I have a right to be offended!”  Perhaps you do.  While you may feel it’s your right to hold onto offense, doing so can strip you of your ability to live in freedom, whereas forgiveness liberates you from bitterness and negative emotions, allowing you to be a source of light in the world.

Even when it’s hard, forgive—even if the other person seems undeserving when you embrace the Christ-centered, grace dynamic of forgiveness, you don’t only obey Jesus’ instructions that you should forgive,  but you help yourself because forgiveness is an act of self-love that frees you from negativity.

So let’s look at some reality truths about forgiveness.  Straight on…forgiveness is tough.

As you search the Bible, there seems to be no step-by-step guide as to how to change our hearts and quickly forgive.  Instead, when we follow Jesus as our risen Lord, he lives his life of love, mercy, grace and forgiveness within us.  Even then, we mature in Christ so the act of forgiving others does not happen quickly. 

As we follow Christ, learning how to forgive is a process of maturation and it is important to remember this so you don’t get discouraged over the time-lapse.  Some forgiveness takes longer than others.  When you choose to forgive, when you yield to the forgiveness Christ lives in you, you will often have to make that choice daily.

Our natural reaction is to hold onto hurts. It serves as a method of self-protection. But in doing so, we are placing ourselves in control of our own protection.  As I’ve worked through some deep and difficult times of forgiveness, I’ve learned some truths that are so important to remember as you the journey or path of following God’s call to forgive.

As you commit to this path, remember it’s a daily renewal.  Forgiveness is a choice, sometimes a hard one, but always the right one. This choice needs to be made daily. When you choose to forgive someone, you are releasing the burden of their wrongdoing to God, and the process works when we rededicate daily.

“… put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”  — Ephesians 4:22-24

While our human nature wants to deliver our enemy to the sword, forgiveness is choosing to give up your anger and to put the outcome of the life of the one who hurt you in God’s loving hands.  That said, that act of accomplishing this on our own reminds me of some classic song lyrics from “The Impossible Dream.” 

“To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

And to run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong

And to love pure and chaste from afar

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star”

These lyrics help me realize how I feel about forgiveness with some people.  Yes, I confess so you know we are in this together.  To know me, you might say that I usually am good at this subject, but it is just that – I am ”usually” good. That is not good enough.

So, I am baring my soul with you and I will always be vulnerable with you so you can perhaps relate to my successes and learn from my struggles, and the good news is we are never too old to learn, understand and embrace.  Let’s continue to try when your arms are too weary, to keep reaching for a reachable star.

Choosing to forgive the one who hurt you means that you are offering your heart and looking up to God for the protection that only He can truly provide. You are expressing to God that you are trusting that God loves you and is working for and in you no matter what.

When you embrace the love, mercy and grace of God, the weight of unforgiveness starts to lift, and while it is a process and a slow one at times, you will be able to begin to find peace.

When you forgive another, you are choosing to adopt not a feeling but a surrendered heart and an attitude of trust in God.  Hurting and feeling the sting is okay.  Forgiving the one that hurt you doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to feel the sting and pain. For so long, I was afraid to forgive another because I thought it meant giving up my right to feel the pain of what had been done.

When we forgive, we are releasing the offender into God’s hands. It is okay to be initially angry, to hurt and grieve, yes, it is! When we forgive, we surrender the right to hold onto our anger. You can feel it but don’t live in it. Again, that is why this is a daily activity.

When we thrash and struggle to forgive, consider and bring to mind who our heart belongs to. When you are in the grips of unforgiveness, your heart will be drawn away from looking to Christ. That is why it is so essential to commit to forgiveness every day and to bring it to God in prayer as often as you can.

In doing so, you can give it to God and find His peace in return.

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me–put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9

We are solicited from above for us to think about what is good and pure. In giving our hearts in surrender to God in forgiveness, we are freeing ourselves to think and reflect on what is good.  He then tells us that His peace will be with us. Here is the ultimate exchange plan.  Bring your anger and your pain to God and in exchange, He will bring you peace.

When you struggle with forgiveness, remember that the Holy Spirit is working in you, transforming your heart as you are brought into a closer relationship with God.  When we bring our hearts to Him in surrender, He will bring us peace. Oh yes, it is hard, but God will redeem, console, and comfort your hurt.

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Stuart Segall lives about an hour north of Seattle.  He has spent most of his adult life counseling, encouraging, inspiring and uplifting others.

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