Q&R: Codependent Christianity – Brad Jersak

“I thought I was going through a depression, but turns out, it was just my religion!” 

The following is an email conversation about “codependent Christianity” that I’m sharing with the writer’s permission.

READER

Hi Bradley, am so grateful for your teachings and guidance for those of us deconstructing.  I thought I was going through a depression, but turns out, it was just Evangelicalism!  If only that didn’t mean that I now have to sort out the tangled mess that has intertwined in my best faith practice.  

My biggest hurdle is repairing my relationship with scripture when it’s neurologically sewn into my brain, especially as a woman, and how it has reinforced sexist roles that have harmed my psyche. 

BRADLEY

What an interesting way to put it! What was broken? Our way of reading, which then led to our way of relating… if it’s a kind of codependency, maybe it’s not with the Bible but with the Evangelical biblicism that you can just divorce yourself from… but there’s also the need for aftercare. 

READER

I have read “A More Christlike Word” and appreciate what you’ve taught on “The lens of Christ”, but I’m still struggling with verses like Phil 2:3 for me personally when I have a lot of self-abandonment and a poor sense of self. 

BRADLEY

I hear you. Maybe this will help you understand how to read it and how not to read it. First, this is a letter. And while we’re meant to read it and learn from it and even hear it as God’s words to us, that includes asking (1) who was he addressing then, and (2) who is he addressing now? 

On the first point, Paul is writing to the church in Philippi, but more specifically, he is addressing a leadership squabble and reminding them that breaking through the impasse and murmuring involves a commitment “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” This is the way through the crisis that was dividing their community. 

On the second point, who would those verses speak to right now? Certainly any similar situation, but he’s also quite specific by implication: he is addressing those who are acting out of selfish ambition and vain conceit, who are prideful and value others as lower than themselves, caught in self-interest rather than self-giving love.” Does that sound like you? I highly doubt it or the passage probably wouldn’t trouble you. So that makes me wonder who this verse is not addressing. It is not addressing people who struggle with codependency or those who struggle to maintain a sense of personhood or need to develop ego strength to push back against abusive, dominating, and demoralizing relationships… like those you experienced in the unChristlike systems of religious misogyny. 

READER

This voice seems to want to push me back into co-dependence. 

BRADLEY

Now you can see why I might say, “Nope! No need to go there. Paul–and more importantly Jesus–would not want you to!” 

READER

Ironically, this whole chapter has been used both to argue FOR (v10-11) and AGAINST Christian Universalism (v12), leaving me even MORE confused! 

BRADLEY

Well, that’s another topic, but my short response (I won’t call it an answer) is that vs. 10-11 are describing the end (and doing so first on purpose). This is the telos. This is where it’s all heading. This is where it all comes together and where we all come together. So Paul is “reading the salvation story from the end.” Then in vs. 12, it’s not so much “on the other hand,” but, “Here’s how you can participate in the end now. Here’s how we can experience what’s coming today.” Sure, that involves “working it out,” such as working out your healing from codependency by growing in your discernment and developing your agency. That is the freedom to which Christ sets you free, and it’s also a very real daily practice as we walk in step with Jesus. 

But why “fear and trembling”? Again, I suppose it depends on who he’s talking to. But we interpret this in light of other Scriptures (not in isolation). The fear and trembling are not the fear of divine punishment, since God’s perfect love is driving out that fear and perfecting us in love (see 1 John 4). On the other hand, as he speaks to the selfish, the vain, the proud, and the dominators, he needs to give them a rhetorical push to see the harm that their narcissism does to communities and to individuals and to themselves. If they could see themselves with rigorous honesty and assess the consequences of their abusive systems, then maybe they would tremble in a way that leads to repentance. That may never apply to you but thinking of those I’ve harmed in my ministry missteps, it has caused me to ask for (and to receive) God’s mercy.

READER        

Any commentaries I’ve found, seem to argue that self-abandonment is what we want, but I’ve had enough counseling to know this is extremely unhealthy.  Sadly,  I find many other verses that seem to contradict healthy psychology.

BRADLEY

Yes, I can see that … and do see it frequently. When the Scriptures address abusive leadership, those who should least take it to heart (those abused by leadership) tend to internalize it. Maybe that’s because those very verses were weaponized against you at one time by the type of people who should have been hearing them! BUT maybe you can take these verses to heart if you hear Paul, not as your accuser, but as your ally. What if he is standing at your side, addressing them to the dehumanizing powers that put a boot on your neck? Imagine how upset he might be to witness his own words used against the vulnerable and how he might respond to those who did so: “How dare you! Stop it!” And in that moment, you’d feel heard and defended rather than scolded and belittled.

I know many others struggle with this. Thank you for letting me post this conversation for their sake.

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