Finding Hope – by Kimalee Finelli

Follow Up Post to February 4, 2024:

Growing up in a legalistic church, I was unable to think for myself. Words like obey, repent, and submit were a part of our daily life. The pastor preached that he was not to be questioned. Church leaders were instructed to carry out the pastor’s agenda. Members were informed that disobedience would be dealt with swiftly. Those who dared to rebel were labeled as “backslidden” or “living in sin” and church disciplined. Most of us learned to be silent so we would go unnoticed by the preacher.

Except for me. I had questions. I noticed everything and knew in my heart that something was not right. I spent most of my teen years in a continual state of unrest and confusion. What was going on here? Why does the pastor always preach that we must honor and obey him? Why do I have so many questions that I can never ask? Why can’t I just go along like everyone else?

Growing up in a legalistic church, I was unable to think for myself. Words like obey, repent, and submit were a part of our daily life. The pastor preached that he was not to be questioned. Church leaders were instructed to carry out the pastor’s agenda. Members were informed that disobedience would be dealt with swiftly. Those who dared to rebel were labeled as “backslidden” or “living in sin” and church disciplined. Most of us learned to be silent so we would go unnoticed by the preacher.

Fear held me in place. Fear of burning in hell for my sins. Fear of getting caught for some unknown iniquity in my life. Fear of others who might turn on me. Fear of never being quite good enough for heaven…

It took many years for my family to find the courage to leave the church. We were cast out of the fellowship not long after and friends we knew for decades turned away from us if we saw them in public. It wasn’t until much time had gone by when I was able to have a conversation with my mother about what happened. Then, one day she surprised me…

Excerpt from Under Authority:

            “Renata is the one who first showed me grace.” My mother explained.

            The kids rushed by us on the skating rink and waved. We waved back. “How so?” I asked.

            “She is the one who had to take the brunt of my anger and bitterness. And she accepted it with humility and without complaint. Over time, I saw she had something I wanted.”

            “What was it?” I asked.

            “Hope.”

            I mulled that over, a little surprised.

            “Grace begins with us,” she said. “But what others receive from that grace is hope.”

            “Okay, what do you mean by hope?”

            “Oh, many things.” She leaned forward and extended her hands, palms up. “The realization that there is a God who loves us unconditionally and does not seek to hold us under the law of punishment is our biggest hope. This hope liberates us to exercise the free will he gave us. In turn, we want to live the life God designed for us by showing others forgiveness, grace, and hope.”

Grace was not something the pastor understood. Power, rules, and authority? Definitely. But grace? What is that?

Grace is the act of giving to others something they do not deserve. Jesus was the first to show us what grace looks like. We fall, he picks us up. We make mistakes, he forgives us. We hurt; he reminds us he loves us. Grace, then hope.

I still remember the day I felt my first glimmer of hope….

*Excerpt from Under Authority:

For the first time, I got a glimpse of what being in the presence of God felt like. As the five of us prayed together there in that moment, a true peace settled over the room, and we were all touched by it. No one was struck down by an angry God. Not a single one of us felt burdened by some imaginary sin that we were told we had committed and needed to be punished for. And no one had to answer to the authority of the Reverend.

Could our life with God be one where we really loved one another? Where we extended forgiveness? The little seed of hope deep inside me sprouted its first flower.

Let Jesus wrap his loving arms around you. He asks us to bring our burdens to him. He is waiting to deliver you from your pain. Rest in this precious hope.

A book by Kimalee Finelli  – Available on Amazon

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