Alone No More – Ken Williams
Early in life I felt disconnected from God, family, and others. I felt I was on the “outside looking in.”
Circumstances beyond a child’s control contributed to feeling this way, but that wasn’t the problem. I didn’t know Jesus was with me and using my imagination, I chose to “escape”. I didn’t know it but God used the circumstances of life to prepare me to receive his Son, believe in his name, give me birth to be his child, and then welcome me home. It took time.
Circumstances? Mom and dad were grieving twin sons Johnny and Joel’s deaths. They were less than a month old. They isolated from one another as pains in life increased. We moved often after I was born. After our eighth move mom presented dad with divorce papers. I was twelve and escaped reality by fantasizing about a life that I controlled.
Some concerned people spoke of God and church, but I was not interested. I now know Jesus was with us, but I was selfish, fearful and angry, determined to be self-reliant. I grew physically but remained emotionally and spiritually stunted. I didn’t know Jesus so I was stuck, unable and unwilling to receive his gift of salvation.
Like self-willed Adam, I wanted God to leave alone. Being “self-reliant” I tried other medications for life’s pains. I didn’t want church or God to try to deprive me of my “pain killers”. I became aware of God’s presence and finally said what I was thinking. I told God to go away and leave me alone! It took a few more years to realize God doesn’t obey my commands. I became the problem, causing my feelings of being on “outside looking in.” Jesus was with me. I remained lonely for a time.
I joined the Navy, smoked a pack of unfiltered Camel cigarettes a day, and used a false I.D. to drink heavily. I did as many of the things I had courage and money to do that classified me to be a sinner, by anyone’s standards.
Jesus’ gospel solves all human problems, but I was not quite ready to turn from my “solution” to the Solution, Jesus.
By God’s grace I became ready to ask Jesus for help a year later. Ray, a fellow sailor, and I, left the Naval base, looked for trouble and found it. It was Halloween, 1964 and we walked into a part of town where a group of young men punished us for entering their neighborhood, uninvited. They injured Ray and beat me unconscious. Punches, brass knuckles, a knife, and kicks left us a mess. After the base infirmary dressed our wounds, I looked at my reflection in a barrack’s mirror and asked, “If you are so smart, why do you look like that?!” My enlightened self-interest led to seeking God’s help.
I assumed I would find God in a church, so I turned to one that promised to help lonely, angry, messed up people. Their religion promised life worth living but only if I lived it well. I was being misled but enjoyed being included in their community. Their religion promised I could make amends for my sins by keeping their religious rules. I was not yet open to Jesus’ gracious gift of life worth living.
Once again, I was distracted by the idea that I could solve my problem. I was now asking for help, but they did not understand Jesus’ gospel and their self-righteous legalism distracted me from my Friend, Jesus. He had been with me all my life; even in the places where religious people would not go.
I learned to look good on the outside, but the pain inside grew. I felt I was acting my part, speaking lines from a script I didn’t write. I thought of those who included me, “if you really knew me you wouldn’t like me.” Church membership was no longer working. The “hey how you are doing?” questions and “I’m good!” answers became hollow, unconvincing. Again, I felt I was alone, not part of the group, and that was a good thing.
It turned out that religious legalism was more self-destructive than cigarettes, heavy drinking and all the other sins I committed. I was no longer doing those things but felt like the whited sepulcher Jesus described. Something was dying from the inside; I think it was my humanity. At last, I was ready to embrace Jesus’ open arms.
God led me to a man of peace where I dumped my guts out. Kindly he said, “Ken, you must understand that God’s grace is sufficient for you!” In God’s perfect timing I rejected my self-reliance and received the gospel of Jesus Christ. Born a child of God I embraced him. He said, “Welcome Home!” Alone no more!
Ken and Nancy Williams served for some 25 years in pastoral ministry, and then almost another 20 years serving and mentoring other pastors. With the heart of a pastor Ken continues to write and blog from upstate New York where he and Nancy live close to their grandchildren.
Plain Truth Ministries | Box 300 | Pasadena, CA 91129-0300
